Friday, April 30, 2010

Just to clarify

I have had a horrible case of bronchitis the last couple of weeks and the medication that I have been taking to just be able to get through a day has left me really out of it for the most part so I just want to explain a few things that I maybe didn't do the best job of conveying over the last couple of chapters. First of all the girl that showed up at the door is suppose to be his little sister, Nikki Burish. Yes she really does exist and I tried to write it where she doesn't like Mel because she has always felt like she knew about Adam's feelings but didn't care and was taking advantage of them. Second the dynamics of their relationship. I guess the easiest way to explain it is that Adam did have romantic feelings for Mel at one point in their relationship but eventually it changed into more of a platonic form of love since it was never reciprocated by Mel. The reason that Mel kissed him wasn't because she had romantic feelings for him but I think that she had to wonder about what might have been and I know from personal experience that that kind of thinking can really screw with your mind and make you question things that you might not otherwise. Plus I knew that something kind of big needed to happen between the both of them to really open both of their eyes to make them realize that they both had good things going on in their lives with their significant others and that even if something might have been possible in the past that it didn't matter because they both love the people that they are with now. I'm not really sure that this helped at all and honestly it's a little frustrating because this all sounded better in my head than I've been able to explain it both in my writing and here. If you guys have any more questions feel free to let me know and I will do what I can to try to make what's going on make more sense.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Kill The Messenger Chapter 35

A short one before I go to work. Hopefully I will be able to work on another one after I get home.

To EHisCdn. I was shocked to see that someone commented before you too. I guess that you need to pick it up! lol Let me know what you think of this one because I wasn't really sure who it should be. Again I wrote a couple of different versions and I thought that this one would be the most unexpected.

I opened the door a little wider and stared at the person who was standing on the doorstep.

" Hey Nik, what are you doing here?" I asked trying to not sound as surprised as I was

" Adam knew I was in town visiting mom and dad and he called and told me what happened. He asked me to come over and check on you."

I was surprised that she would even do that because frankly she hated me, at least I had always thought so. She had never given me any indication otherwise

" Let's get it straight that I don't care how you feel right now. I'm only here because Adam asked me and frankly I think that what you did was really shitty." she said as if she was reading my mind

" I know it was and trust me if I could take it back I would. I really had no idea how he felt all of these years."

" I find it really hard to believe that you didn't know. I always thought that you were taking advantage of his feelings."

I shook my head. That would explain the anomosity that was present in our relationship since we had met.

" I'm sorry but I didn't. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. I hope you know that."

She turned her head and looked at me like she was thinking about what I said. She finally nodded her head like she believed what I had said.

" You know that he is in a really good place in his life right now. He is playing well and finally found someone that compares to you that he actually wants to settle down with. Do what ever you need to do to fix it."

I swallowed and nodded once again, afraid that if I spoke that any words that I would try to say wouldn't come out right anyway.

" I'll call Adam and let him know that you are here and okay." She said as she turned around and headed out to her car without saying goodbye. I shut the door behind me and thought about what she had told me, which was basically the same thing that my mother had told me. I turned on my phone and saw that I had several missed phonecalls and text messages, mostly from the guys teammates wanting to know what was going on. I scrolled through them and my heart stuttered in my chest when I came across one from earlier in the day. All it said was " He told me what happened." Shit now I had another person to deal with. All I wanted to do was crawl into a little hole somewhere and die, the sooner the better. I text Karri to see if she was still up and if she wanted to talk to me and my phone rang a few minutes later. I tentantivly brought the phone up to my ear, again waiting for the yelling and again not getting it.

" Hello." She greeted me in a voice that seemed awfully calm for the situation that we were in.

" Umm hi Karri. I guess that we need to talk."

" Yeah but before you say anything I would like to have my say, if that's okay with you."

I agreed, it was the least that I could do.

" I was mad at first and I wanted to hate you, but in all honesty I'm glad that you did what you did. He told me that before the kiss that he was having reservations about wanting to marry me because there was still a part of him that wasn't sure that he was entirely over his romantic feelings for you. Afterwards he said he knew that it he was over it and knew that he could commit to me fully and that he might have never known for sure otherwise.

" So... Your not mad at me?" I said not wanting to push the issue but needing to be reassured

" Not really. It was something that happened and something good came out of it so it's all water under the bridge as far as I'm concerned. As long as you don't plan on it happening again."

" Trust me, won't happen again. If anything it had the same effect on me too. It made me realize that I do love Patrick and that I was stupid for even questioning how I felt about him.

" Good that was what I figured and now that is out of the way, are you coming to the game tommorrow?"

" I don't think that Patrick is going to be as forgiving as you. "

" Oh come on. I need my friend to sit with and Adam wants to apologize for yelling at you. Please?"

" Okay. Fine." I huffed into the phone receiver

" So I'll see you then."

I hung up my phone and tried to sleep afterwards. I couldn't believe that she had taken that so well. Of course maybe getting me to come to the game was a ploy to get me alone so she could choke me or something. I guess it had to be a risk that I was willing to take if I wanted a chance to make things up to the one person that mattered the most

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Other Side Chapter 34

I woke up the next morning and even though I knew I should I still couldn't bring myself to say the words that I knew I needed to say out loud. Patrick had the day off besides a morning skate and he was home in time for lunch. He sat down to eat the sandwhich that I had made for him and we were both pretty silent.

" Did you make that doctors appointment yet?" he asked as I went around the kitchen cleaning up the non existent mess in an effort to keep myself busy.

" No I didn't but babe you really need to stop worrying. I'm fine." I said in my best reassuring tone

" Man if I didn't know you and Burs better I would think that there was something going on. He was acting really weird when I called him today."

I knew by the tone of his voice that he meant it as a joke but my body instantly went still. I took a deep breath and turned around to face him, dropping the sponge that I had been cleaning with onto the counter.

" Patrick there is something that I have to tell you." I said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. I couldn't even look at him and as I started to talk the words just came pouring out of my mouth like I had to get them all out in one breath

" I kissed Adam. I don't know why I did it but I did and I'm really sorry. I was just confused and I promise that it didn't mean anything and that it will never ever happen again." I was still looking at the floor and I waited for the yelling that I was sure was to follow my little outburst but nothing came. I finally peeked up and saw a look of total shock on his face. It took a few minutes of silence but finally he got up and left without a word. Once again I started to cry but I couldn't wallow in my misery for long since I had someone else who depended on me to take care of them and I couldn't very well do that if I was a complete wreck. I figured that he would have to come back sooner or later either to talk or to get his stuff and I knew that I had needed the distance and I figured that he would too. A few hours passed and I still hadn't heard from him and I was starting to get worried. Right before I went to bed I got a call from Tazer.

" Mel Patrick just showed up at my door drunker then hell asking me if he could spend the night. What the hell is going on between you two?"

I winced as he described the state that he was in. I only hoped that he hadn't done anything stupid while getting that drunk.

" Did he say anything?" I asked not wanting to tell Tazer anymore than I had to.

" Not anything that made any sense. But then again he could barely walk, much less talk. So..."

" We just had a fight that's all. Please just do me a huge favor and make sure that he is taken care of for the rest of the night. If he wants to tell you more he can do it then."

" Sure I can do that. Do you want me to try to get him to call you in the morning or something."

" You can try but I highly doubt that he will want to speak with me."

" Okay. Mel I'm sure what ever it was that happened can be fixed. You guys have been through to much together for him to throw it all away over something stupid."

" Yeah I hope so. Thanks."

In all of this I hadn't considered telling Adam what was going on. He was probably the first person that I should have called when shit hit the fan but I was to busy wallowing in my own misery to think about what all of this might mean for him. I quickly dialed his number and it almost went to voicemail before he picked up.

" So I guess you just couldn't keep shit to yourself." he said instead of a greeting

" I couldn't help it. I had to tell him Bur."

" Yeah well thanks for the warning. He showed up here yesterday night and told me if I so much as look at you again that he is going to do everything in his power to get my ass traded to the maple leafs or some other shitty canadian team."

" He can't do that, can he?"

" I don't know but if they had to choose between me and him who do you think that they would pick?"

" Does Karri know?"

" No. At least I don't think so. She was out shopping when he showed up."

" I'll try to do whatever I can to fix this. I promise."

" Whatever."

With that he hung up the phone on me. I looked at the phone for a few seconds in shock. In all of the time that we had known each other he had never talked to me like that and frankly it was a little scary to hear him that angry. It was just one more thing to have to deal with after things hopefully cooled down. As much as I just wanted to sit I knew that I had better get things started for breakfast since it was almost time for AJ to get up and he wouldn't care. I went to get him a little while later and sat him in his high chair to feed him. Despite everything I found myself smiling as he cooed and tried to talk. It was nice to know that I had one thing in my life that I hadn't managed to screw up, at least not yet. I had thought about turning my phone off after the conversation that I had had with Adam but I couldn't do it, not on the slim chance that Patrick might call me to talk. He didn't and I wasn't surprised at all. I knew what I needed to do and I made a few calls before I packed a couple of small bags and headed up to stay with my mom for a few days. I text Pat to let him know that I wasn't in the house and that he could come home if he wanted to but I never got a reply. One phone call and three hours later I was pulling into the driveway of my parents house. My mom came out gave me a hug before taking the baby and going inside. She didn't press for information and I was glad. She knew that eventually I would tell her what was going on and I knew that I could count on her to give me advice, even if it was something that I wasn't going to want to hear. I turned off my phone and put it away. The only person who needed to know where I was right now did and he had my mothers number if he really needed to get a hold of me that badly. It wasn't until after dinner that I even brought up that something was wrong.

" So he finally admitted that at one point in your relationship that he was in love with you and then you go and kiss him?" she asked as she raised her eyebrow at me

" Why do you make it sound like something that everyone knew but me?" I asked trying to keep my temper down. My mom actually rolled her eyes at me like I had just said the dumbest thing that she had ever heard.

" Because it was something that everyone could see but you. Why do you think that I spent all of that time trying to push you two together?"

" I always figured that it was because you loved him and besides he insisted that we were friends just as much as I did."

" Sweetie he did that because he thought it was what you wanted and even now I couldn't see him being selfish enough to do anything that might make you unhappy."

She was right. Adam was one of the most unselfish people that I knew and that made what I did even worse because it was one of the most selfish things that I could have possibly done.

" I don't love Adam like that and I knew it but a part of me wondered and now I have screwed everything up because of it. I'll be shocked if they both don't hate me."

" I think that they are both hurt right now and I can't promise that either of them will ever come around but I know how important you are to the both of them so I would just give them some space and time and hopefully it will all work itself out." She gave me a squeeze before going to make dinner. I spent the rest of the night just hanging out with my mother and getting caught up on family gossip, which was something that I missed. It was starting to get late and I was contemplating getting ready for bed since my mom had put done AJ awhile ago and had went to bed herself not long after and I was getting restless. I laid my head down and as I was about to drift off to sleep I thought I heard what sounded like a knock at the front door. It was almost one in the morning and I had no idea who it could be, if it was even anybody. It was probably the product of my over stressed mind. I went to lie down once again but this time I was sure that I had heard someone knocking at the door. I got up and felt a small ball of fear in the pit of my stomach. Usually the only time that someone showed up at someone else's door this late at night was if there was something really bad happening. I slowly made my way to the door and opened it, bracing myself for the worse. I felt another wave of tension knot through my body as I peeked around the door and saw who was standing on the other side.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Everything We Had Chapter 33

To EHisCDN. Sorry for playing with your emotions but I couldn't resist. lol. I'm not sure if you are aware of this but it was your comments on my posts since you started following that gave me the idea for the last couple of chapters so really it's all your fault And that line that Burish said was inspired by the Roomie video that the Hawks put out last year with Bur and Sharpie in it, which is hilarious. It's just one of the many reasons why I love these two guys. That and the fact that they are both gorgeous doesn't hurt either. To the people who are reading but can't/don't comment, I hope you are still liking the story. So on to the next chapter.

The rest of the week went by without incident but there was this underlying current of tension between us that had never been there before. We were more careful around each other in what we said and especially when it came to physical contact. And when I say careful I mean that we pretty much avoided it all together. Karri came home a few days earlier than expected and she knew right away that something wasn't right but she seemed to take my explanation that I wasn't feeling well without question, much like Patrick had when I talked to him. He was getting concerned and told me that I should make an appointment with a doctor as soon as he got back into town. I agreed just keep him from worrying but little did he know that the kind of doctor I needed to see was the kind with a couch, not a stethoscope. They finally were on there way home and even though I knew it was going to be late when they got in I tried to stay up to see him. I must have fallen asleep on the couch because the next thing that I knew I felt a hand brushing across my face and lips being placed on mine.

" Hey what are you doing sleeping down here?" he said as he sat his bag down and shrugged off his suit jacket

" I was waiting for you but I guess I fell asleep." I said trying not to yawn.

" It's okay I figured you'd be sleeping but I'm glad your up. I've missed you."

I leaned up so I could pull him down to me and he had to brace himself with his hands to keep from falling on me completely. I loosened his tie and threw it on the floor and started in on the buttons of his dress shirt.I was desperate to get him undressed. He took my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist to slow things down.

" It's nice to know that you want me so bad and I know that it's late but we do have a little while.

He grabbed my other hand and stretched my arms out over my head. He kept a light hold on my wrists as he settled himself between my legs and stretched out his body over mine. He nestled his face into my neck and started to nip and lick at my skin. I tried to bring my hips up against his but he had my lower half pinned down pretty well with his body. He let go of my hands to finish undoing his his shirt and I sat up long enough to get mine off before he resumed his position over me. I closed my eyes as he kissed me again, his teeth biting at my bottom lip to get me to open my mouth, which I did.

" Tell me what you want." he said in a low whisper, his lips against my ear

" I want you, just you." I said and I meant it. I felt like an idiot for even questioning my relationship with the man the was above me. Ever since he had messed up he had kept the promise to me and did everything that I needed him to and this was how I repaid him. I covered my mouth with his as I tried to drown out all of thoughts that were running through my head.

" Babe what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked as he leaned back so he could look at me

I touched my face and found that he was right. My face was wet and I hadn't even realized that I had started. I thought about telling him but I couldn't bring myself to say the words that would break his heart.

" I'm sorry. I think I'm just overly emotional from being so tired and not feeling good."

" We don't have to do this now if you don't want. I can wait." he said as he tried to move off of me

I grabbed onto him to make sure that he wasn't going to move

" No I want to do this. I really need you. Please?" I pleaded. He looked at me and resisted for a few seconds while he looked at me but he finally let me pull him back down on top of me. He shed the rest of his clothes and helped me with he rest of mine. I lost myself in the familiar sensations that started to course through my body as he slid into me and started to move inside me. After awhile I could feel my climax start to approach and my body tensed and I tried to muffle the sounds that were coming out of my mouth in his shoulder. He finished a few minutes after me and he let out a contented sigh as he moved off to the side of me as much as the couch would let him. I turned away from him so my back was against his front and I closed my eyes as he kissed the back of my neck and lightly ran his hands over the skin of my side. I tried not to feel another hand on me, one that was bigger and rougher in texture doing the same thing but it wasn't easy.

" Babe why don't we go upstairs and take a quick shower and head to bed. I know that you are tired and so am I. We can talk more tommorrow."

I agreed and when I got up I put on the dress shirt that he had been wearing when he came in while he threw his boxers back on. He grabbed me around the waist and gave me a kiss before leading me up the stairs into the bathroom. We took the quick shower that he suggested and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I couldn't sleep right away, I just laid there and watched him as he laid there with a small smile on his face and I knew then that I was going to have to tell him what had happened. I ran my fingers through his hair that was starting to get just a little longer and curly again.

" I'm so sorry babe. I hope that you can forgive me." I whispered as I kissed his forehead. I snuck out of bed and went to sleep on the couch. He deserved to know what happened and then he could make up his mind if he even wanted to be with me anymore.

Friday, April 23, 2010

We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands Chapter 32

I spent the whole night tossing and turning. After what was probably a couple of hours I gave up and went back downstairs. I found Adam sleeping on the couch sitting up. I decided to try to wake him up because if I left him he was going to be sore. I poked my finger into his ribcage and whispered his name. He mumbled something that I couldn't understand and I leaned closer so I could whisper into his ear and when I did he turned his head and his lips brushed mine. I froze, not having a clue as to what I should do. I was exhausted and not really in my right mind and I did what I had contemplated doing earlier. I grabbed his jaw and gently put my lips against his. It didn't seem to wake him up at least not fully but he responded and I couldn't help but enjoy it. He opened his mouth a little and I deepened the kiss. He let out a little groan against my lips before reciprocating. His arm snaked around my waist and I found myself pressed up against him, my chest into his side and there was no way that he wouldn't be able to feel how aroused I was through the thin material of his t-shirt. There was a little voice in the back of my head that was screaming at me that this was wrong but I was able to ignore it when one of his hands crept up my shirt and started making their way up my side. His hands on my skin felt different, more rough but I didn't stop him as he palmed the side of my breast and began to play with my hard nipple, pinching and pulling until it made me cry out. I wanted to know what he felt like under my fingers too so I did the same to him, my fingers making their way slowly under his shirt.I could feel his abs twitch under the pads of my fingers. I found the soft trail of hair near the top of his pants and he let out another soft groan as I traced over it. All of this time he had never once opened his eyes to look at me and his lips made their way to my neck.

" Karri babe, I think we should take this upstairs" he murmered against my skin

Those words jolted me back to reality. What the hell was I thinking? This was wrong on so many levels and he didn't even realize that it was me. I pulled away and he finally opened his eyes, blinking a few times before really looking at me. Neither of us said a word, we just stared at one another for a few seconds. I swallowed and tried to think of something to say that would make this all go away but I couldn't think of anything and I was in no condition to hear anything that he may have to say so I got up without a word and made my way back to the room that I had been trying to sleep in earlier. I managed to keep my tears at bay until my head hit the pillow and the possible consequences of what I had done hit me like a ton of bricks. This was worse than what Patrick had done to me. It wasn't right but at least it was some faceless puckbunny that I would never have to face. I was the lowest form of scum for letting this get so out of hand and I had no one to blame but myself. Finally my body became exhausted enough that I started to drift off to sleep. A part of me didn't want to wake up because if I didn't wake up then I wouldn't have to deal with what the morning would bring. The next morning I woke up and when I looked at the clock it was almost ten. I bolted out of bed and made my way downstairs to check on AJ who was in the habit of getting up early. I heard noise coming from the kitchen and when I peeked in I saw Adam sitting at the his kitchen table holding Aj in his lap. He was talking to him and feeding him with his free hand. I stood there for a few minutes just watching him interact with Aj. I had always thought that he was going to make a great parent someday and watching him now only reinforced that. I jumped a little when he spoke to me without looking in my direction

" You might want to call Pat. He tried calling you earlier and I told him that you were still sleeping."

I swallowed and let out a sigh.
" Um okay. Are you sure that you'll be okay for a few more minutes?" I asked
" Yep. We'll be fine." he said finally looking at me, a smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes. I wanted to say something, anything to make him smile for real but after what I had done I didn't begin to know what I could possibly say to make it better. I walked into the living room and grabbed my phone where it was still sitting on the coffee table. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. I dialed his number and part of me hoped that he would be to busy to anwser but that wasn't the case.
" Hey babe." he said in a chipper tone of voice
" Hey." I said trying to make sure that my voice didn't let on that something was wrong
" Is something wrong?" he asked.
" Nothing serious. I think I might be coming down with something?" I lied
" Well you better take care of yourself since we have plans when we get back."
" Oh really? And what would those plans be?" I asked curiously
" Adam has finally decided to propose and he wanted us and some of the other couples there when he does it. He was thinking a dinner out somewhere nice."
" Oh." I whispered
" Babe why don't you go lay back down, you really sound like shit. I'll call you later before my nap okay. Love you."
" Yeah me too" was all I could bring myself to respond with before I hung up the phone
I didn't want to go back in the kitchen but I knew that I needed to face him sooner or later so I might as well get it over with. They both were still where I had left them and when I entered the room. Adam asked me to grab a wash cloth so he could wash Aj's messy face and I did as I was asked, running the washcloth under warm water before I handed it to him. He cleaned up his face and hands and I couldn't help but ask him about what I'd been told

" So you aren't going to wait to ask her to marry you?" He shrugged his shoulders and handed me Aj

" I figured that I already got the ring so why wait?" he got up and went to the sink to wash out the dirty washrag. I stared at his back, silently willing him to turn around and look at me. He finally did and I didn't like the look that was on his face.

" Can you explain why you did what you did last night? After everything that we talked about yesterday and I wake up to find myself pretty much doing everything but having sex with you. Do you realize how much this is fucking with my head?" he pretty much growled at me. He limped over to another chair and sat down and waited for an explanation that I wasn't sure that I could give him. I hugged Aj around the waist as I tried to think of how I could explain what was going on in my head in a way that would make sense. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my nerves.

" After we had our talk I started to think about how things might have turned out if you had said something before all of this. I went to wake you up to get you off of the couch and you turned your head enough that your lips brushed mine and it was like all rationale thought just went out the window. If it's any consolation I didn't plan on doing it and I am really sorry that I screwed things up. I had been looking at the floor the whole time and it wasn't until I heard the chair scrapping against the floor and felt his fingers underneath my chin that I looked up.

" You didn't screw things up promise. I know that I should have never said what I did in the first place. I don't want to screw up things for either of us so if you want to pretend like it didn't happen I'm fine with that. You know that I'll always be around when you need someone just like I have always been."

I felt tears start to make their way slowly from my eyes. I didn't deserve to have the great people in my life that I did, especially not him.

" Oh god please don't cry. You know I'm no good with weepy women." he said in a light tone of voice. I let out a small laugh and rubbed at my face. He smiled at me and this time it seemed genuine, and that made me happy. I got up and wrapped one arm around his shoulders in a one armed hug.

" I don't deserve you as a friend." I said as I sniffled

" I know but luckily for you I am willing to take on the occasional charity case. I mean come on why else would I agree to room with Sharpe?"

I didn't want to let go but after what happened I didn't think it was appropriate to keep on touching him. I let go and sat back down. The rest of the day went by quickly and even though we didn't say it out loud I knew that what had happened between us wasn't going to be brought up again. Now I just had to deal with the ball of guilt that was gnawing at my stomach. I was just going to have to deal with it for the sake of not only our relationship but of everyone else that was involved too.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Same Old Feeling Chapter 31

It's kind of short and I'm not really sure that I even like it but after rewriting it three different times this is the version that I had the least amount of problems with.

I cupped his face with my hand and leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

" I'm sorry that you felt that way. I never ment to make you feel bad." I said hoping he could hear the sincerity in my voice

" I know and I didn't tell you to try to make you feel bad either." he said as he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze as I sat back.

" You aren't going to go all " My Bests Friends Wedding" on me are you?" I asked only half joking. He grinned at me and shook his head.

" Don't worry, I wasn't planning on it. Beside's I'm way to good looking to play Julia Robert's character anyways." he joked, seemingly back to his old self again.
" You know you are right about one thing though." I said not wanting things to get serious again but feeling like I had to let him know something. He didn't say anything as he waited for me to continue.

" I do love you in my own way. You are one of the most important people in my life and have been for a very long time and if that were to ever change I don't know what I would do."

He smiled at me again and pulled on my arm until I was practically sitting on his lap. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. I leaned against him and put my head on his chest and let out a slow breath. I felt horrible that he had been unhappy because of me, even if I had never had a clue but there wasn't anything I could do about it now. I loved Patrick and AJ and I knew that he loved Karri or otherwise he wouldn't have even considered marriage, much less went out and bought a ring. I was content with the way that my life was turning out but there was a small part of me that couldn't help but think what if. What if he had said something years ago? Would that have changed anything or would it not have mattered? I shook my head like my thoughts could be erased like an etchasketch drawing. I turned my head as I heard some noise come from the room that AJ was in and I had to go get him before he got grumpy. I stood up and turned around to look at him one more time before I left the room.

" There isn't going to be any weirdness now is there?" I asked to make sure that there wouldn't be
" Nope no weirdness." he said agreeably

I still wasn't sure why he had decided to tell me what he did but I had a suspicion that it had to do with the alcohol and meds and I really hoped that it wouldn't get weird because I didn't want to have to deal with what might happen if it did. I handed over AJ at his request. I watched as he played with him and I wasn't surprised that it only took a few minutes for Adam to get him laughing. I got out my laptop and started to look for potential jobs and I found a few that sounded like they might fit and I made notes in a notebook so I could call later. After I was done with that I decided to check my email which was something that I wasn't great at doing on a regular basis. I emailed my mother and Olivia to let them know how things were going and I emailed them some newer pictures that had been taken of the three of us. We didn't do much talking for the rest of the night and finally after eating supper and putting the baby down I told him that I was really tired and went to lie down upstairs in one of the guest rooms.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

update soon

I'm just letting you guys know that I'm really hoping to get an update done soon. I would have had one up by now but I have written two different versions and didn't like either of them so it will be a little longer. And I'm not going to lie that it isn't helping that I have been totally distracted by the playoffs either so I have been having a hard time just finding the time to write. Hope you guys are doing well and thanks for sticking with me!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Feel Like I Have To Apologize

So about the last post. I had a meltdown yesterday. I mean a complete utter meltdown that at one point included sitting in my car for an hour crying after I got sent home from work for freaking out badly. The worst part is that the manager that yelled at me and sent me home is someone that I really like and respect so I know that I was being stupid because she has never had to do that in the year that I have worked there and she tells me all of the time that I am one of her favorite people to work with. I know that the problem isn't this story and people not commenting and it isn't the people that I work with but in all honesty it's me. I am trying to adjust to being a single parent and being responsible for everything since his father left me a little over two months ago and I think that it's pretty safe to say that I am not doing a very good job of it. I just feel like I've lost control over my life and I hate it and even moreso I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with it. I am giving some serious thought to talking to a psychologist and maybe even being put on some medication because of the depression and severe mood swings that I have been experiencing. Anyway I am trying to say that I am sorry and that I do intend to continue with this and my other story but honestly I can't make any promises as to when that may happen but this is one of the few things that are keeping me from going completely nuts right now so I think that it will be sooner rather than later. Sorry for dumping all of my problems on you guys but I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from.

Friday, April 16, 2010

not updating anymore

So I had the absolute shittiest night at work tonight and frankly my whole life has been in the toliet the last couple of months. It would have been really nice to come home and read at least one comment on the last chapter I posted since I have twelve followers but apparently that is asking to much. So I think that I am going to be done with this for at least awhile if not permantly. I am sick of wasting my time and frankly if no one is reading I have better things that I can be doing with my time.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Up In The Air Chapter 30

Sorry this is so long. I got an idea but I wasn't quite sure how to get where I wanted to go. So I hope you enjoy it.

We made our way past security and into the locker room. I wasn't sure where to go but I saw some people in hawks clothes so we went over to them to find out. We were told that they had just gotten him off the ice and that the team doctor was looking at him and that we were probably going to have to wait until they were finished before we could see him. We were directed to go to the family lounge and wait until someone came to get us. I could tell that Karri was frusterated and so was I but we did as we were told and went to wait.

" Do you think that he tore his alc again?" she said with the worry evident in her voice

I shrugged my shoulders.

" It could be anything really. Let's hope it's a sprain or something that won't be to serious."

She nodded her head but didn't look convinced. I wasn't sure that I was convienced but I had to hope because if it was another alc tear there was a very real possibility that it could end his career and I couldn't even fathom the thought of what it would do to him. Finally one of the medical interns came and told us that we could see him. I let Karri see him first and when she came out she was nearly in tears.

" They did an xray and they can't see anything but they are sending him to the doctor that did his surgery to make sure that there isn't something there that they can't see."

I pulled her into a tight hug and tried to calm her down.

" It will be okay, I promise. I'm going to go check on him. I'll be right back." I let go of her and went into the room that she had just come out of. He was laying back on the table still in his underarmour and they had elevated his leg.

" Hey sweetie how are you doing?" I asked as he lifted his head to look at me

" I've been better. They aren't sure if I did more damage or what is going on." I could tell that he was still in pain but was trying to be a tough guy and not show it. They had already called the doctor and got him an appointment but it was going to be three days until he could get in and I could tell that he wasn't happy about it. I wanted to stay a little while longer but he insisted that I should get back to the game and I wasn't about to argue with him in the pissy mood that he was in. I went and saw that Karri hadn't came back to her seat and even though I was worried I had to take care of my son. I took him back from Anna and told her what little I knew. I got a call from Karri letting me know that they had put a brace on him and gave him a pair of crutches before sending them home.

" Call me if you need any help with anything. I have a feeling that he's going to get really cranky from sitting around the house."

" Thanks for the warning. I'll talk to you later."

I went after the game and the locker room was pretty silent even though they had won. I knew that it had to be hard to see a teammate that was so well liked being helped off of the ice. We drove home in silence and I didn't push the issue. I knew that he would talk about it if and when he wanted too.

We spent his off day just hanging out as a family. I offered to pack his clothes so he could spend some time with the baby. When I was finished I went to peek in on them to see what they were doing. AJ was sitting up and Pat had given him one of those little mini sticks and he was trying to bat at a ball that was sitting in front of him. Patrick was trying to encourage him and when he finally hit it Patrick raised his arms and cheered which caused AJ to laugh. I didn't want to interupt but the babys routines were just as important as Pats.

" Hey babe. Can you feed AJ while I make supper please?"

" Sure. We will be right down." he said as he got up off the floor. Aj lifted up his arms as Patrick came and picked him up and I headed downstairs to start supper. He sat him in his high chair and started to try to feed him some baby food which went over surprisingly well. He had really been making alot of noise lately and we knew that it wouldn't be to long until he started to actually talk. He was banging a spoon on the tray and as I turned around I could of swore that I heard him say Dada.

" Hey did you hear that?" Patrick asked me as I turned around. Unfortuantly for us he wasn't a circus pony and couldn't be talked into performing on command. After dinner was done we were sitting around watching t.v when I got a phone call.

" So we got into the doctors early since they had a cancellation today and they told us that as far as they can tell that it's just a bad sprain."

" That's great news." I said relieved to not hear worse news

" Yeah but they figure that he's still going to be out for at least a couple of weeks. Now he's all pissy at me because I want to cancel the plans that I made while he was suppose to be gone. He say's I'm treating him like a baby." she complained to me

" If you want AJ and I can come over and take care of him while you go out of town. I don't have anything planned other than job hunting and I can do that on my laptop."

" Are you sure?" she asked with hesitation in her voice

" Yeah. You know that I would do anything for you two and it sounds like you need a vacation."

She let out what I percieved as a sigh of relief.

" Between this and school I really do need to get away for awhile. I really appreciate it. I'm pretty sure that you are the only one who can deal with his mopey ass right about now."

" No problem. I'll be over tomorrow sometime in the afternoon." I hung up my phone and went to let Patrick know what was going on. He was glad that it wasn't something more serious and told me to make sure that I took care of him while everyone was gone. We said our goodbyes that night in bed since he had to be up super early to get to the airport to head out to Calgary. The next day I woke up to an empty bed and the baby crying and after I got us both fed and ready I packed a small bag and headed over to Burs place. I let myself in and set the bag down on the floor before heading inside to find him. He was sitting on the couch with his leg elevated and he greeted the both of us while I sat down beside him. He took AJ out of my arms and sat him on his lap.

" So..." I prompted trying to start a conversation without being pushy

He sighed and looked at me.

" I hate sitting here feeling useless and then I have Karri treating me like an invalid on top of it."

" She isn't doing it on purpose. She's just worried about you." I tried to remind him without pissing him off even more.

" I know that, I really do it's just it makes me feel like one of her patients and not like her boyfriend you know.

I understood how he felt, I really did but at the same time I understood what Karri was going through too. It was going to be her job to take care of people and she was taking care of him in the best way that she knew how. I left him in the living room with AJ while I made us a quick lunch of tuna fish sandwiches. I handed him a plate and and he put AJ in the crook of one arm while he ate the sandwich with the other hand. He seemed a little more cheerful then when I had first shown up and for that I was glad. We settled into watch a movie while that baby took his nap in the portable crib that they had bought for times when we were over. He talked me into getting a beer for him even though I knew he shouldn't be drinking while taking even a low dose of pain meds. I cut him off after three since he seemed like he was already getting tipsy and I knew that wasn't normal. He laid back on the couch with his eyes closed and I was positive that he had dosed off so I was startled when he started to smile than laugh. I was about to ask him if he had gone completely nuts when he asked me a question.

" Do you remember the night that we met?" he asked opening his eyes to look at me

" Are you kidding me? How could I forget what is still probably one of the top ten most embarrasing moments of my life?" I said with a groan

" Yeah it had to have been horrible falling and giving yourself a cuncussion when you weren't even moving." he said with a laugh.

My friend had talked me into going out to the annual skate with the badgers and even though I couldn't skate worth a crap I let myself be talked into putting on a pair of skates and going onto the ice. My friend then proceeded to ditch me to flirt with some of the guys. I stood there by myself for awhile when I saw Adam and one of his teammates start in my direction and I spazzed out and tried to move and immediaetly fell over and hit my head on the ice. The next thing that I remember is waking up in one of the training rooms with a bunch of people standing over me freaking out. Luckily the worst thing that I got out of the whole incident was a headache. I found out after the fact that I had been carried off of the ice by Adam and he felt so bad that he had stuck around and offered to take me home after I convinced the medics that I didn't need to go to the hospital. We started talking in his car and after having a really good conversation we kept in contact and ended up becoming friends that we were today.

" I never told you that the reason that we were coming over was that I had a bet that I could get you to agree to go out me before Pavelski."

" You were going to ask me out on a date? Really?" I asked surprised that this was the first that I had ever heard of it

" Yeah why not? You were hot and funny and actually knew something about hockey and you just seemed to get me. What wasn't there to like?"

I was having a hard time wrapping my head around what he was telling me.

" You thought I was hot?" I asked repeating what he was telling me like I had some form of speech impediment.

" Yeah I did."

" Why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked him curious to hear his explanation.

He shrugged his shoulders and thought about it before he anwsered.

" You were dating that douchebag when we first met and even though I couldn't stand him I knew that if I had anything to do with breaking you two up that you would blame me and after what he did to you it just didn't seem right to try. Then I got stuck in the friends zone and after awhile I got over it. I would rather be there for you as a friend than not have you in my life at all and I've always known that you care about me, just not that way.

I didn't say anything as I studied his face intently. He had a few more lines on his face than when I had first met him but mostly he looked the same. His bright blue eyes watched me as he waited for some kind of response. I didn't even begin to know what to say to what he had revealed to me. I brought my hand up and traced the like of his jaw with the pads of my fingers as I tried to sort through what I was feeling.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

To Tired To Think Of A Name Chapter 29

Thanks for the emails and comments. They really did help alot. I still haven't fully decided what I'm going to do yet but I think that I am going to go one chapter at a time after this one and see what happens. If I still feel like I'm forcing it to much than I will have to make a decision about what to do. One thing that I love about the blogging community is that even though most of us will never know each other in real life, you guys will take the time to be supportive of me and each other and I think that's amazing. Anyway's here is the latest update. Hope you enjoy and comments pretty please?

Everything seemed to go back to some semblance of normal in the weeks that followed. I don't think that Anna and I would ever be as close as we had been before but I was happy to have her in my life in any way that was possible. I still felt like a piece was missing, I just couldn't figure out what it was. It took getting a call from my old co-worker Olivia to make me realize what it was. We chatted for a little while and got caught up on what had been going on with our lifes.

" So have you went back to work yet?" she asked

" No not yet." I admitted feeling slightly useless

" I know that it's important job being a mother and it's not like you need the money but you were damn good at being a nurse and that had to be hard to give up."

" Yeah it was hard to give up. I never wanted to live off of Patrick's money but that's exactly what ended up happening."

" Sweetie this isn't about money. I just believe that you should be able to have a life outside of your family. If you don't than you might end up resenting him down the road and that won't end well."

I knew that she was right. It finally dawned on me what I was missing. I loved Patrick and Aj but ever since I had quit my job the only people that I associated with were people that had to do with his world. I missed being able to meet and help new people everyday and I missed the bond that you can only get when you work besides someone.

" I don't know how Patrick will feel about me wanting to go back to work."

" He seems like a reasonable young man. Just let him know how you feel and I'm sure that it will be fine."

I wasn't sure about that but I knew that I owed it to myself to try. I went about the rest of my day and when I had a little while to myself I got on the internet and did some searching. I found a few things that looked interesting and more importantly they were part time, which was something that was important to me. I wanted to be able to balance my life and work and I didn't see that happening if I jumped back into full time work. I was trying to get laundry done when he got back from practice. He came in and found me and greeted me. I wasn't sure how to bring up what was on my mind but I ended up not having to.

" Are you planning on telling me what's on your mind or are you going to make me guess?" he asked giving me a smile

" Am I that easy to read?" I asked him already knowing what the anwser would be

" Yes, now what's going on? You aren't planning on leaving me are you?" He tried to play it off like he was joking but I could tell that he was a little worried

" Nothing like that babe. It's just that I was talking with Olivia today and it made me realize how much I missed working."

" So are you trying to tell me that you want to go back to work?"

I couldn't figure out the tone of his voice so I bit my lip and nodded.

" But it will only be part time though." I added quickly

" That's fine. I always figured you'd want to go back at some point."

I expected him to argue or throw a fit and when he was so calm about it it threw me off.

" That's it?"

He just looked at me like I was handicapped or something

" Um yeah that's it. "

I should have just left it alone but I couldn't do it.

" Aren't you mad?"

He came and took the shirt out of my hands and put his hands on either side of me so I had to look at him.

" Babe I'm not mad. I never expected you to become some leave it to beaver house wife. If going back to work is what makes you happy then I'll support you. I know that you will figure out how to balance everything."

I grabbed a fistful of his shirt so I could pull him closer to me.

" Thanks for being so understanding."

" Your welcome." he leaned over and started to kiss my neck

" Is the baby down for his nap?" he whispered in my ear

" Yeah. Ten minutes ago." I said in a slightly high pitched voice

I could feel him smile against my skin.

" Good we should have some time than."

He grabbed me by the ass and lifted me up onto the dryer that I had been leaning against. I wrapped my legs around his waist to get him as close as possible to me as he leaned over and started to attack my neck again with his lips. His hand crept under my shirt and started to stroke my breast through the lacy fabric of my bra. I wasted no time getting stripped down to nothing and Patrick quickly followed suit. He grabbed me underneath the knees and slid me forward and my hands gripped the edge of the dryer. He slid into me slowly and I leaned back as the sensations started to course through my body. I let him know just how much I was enjoying it by the noises that I was making. His mouth caught mine in a kiss that stifled my moans as he moved in and out of me at a faster pace and I could feel my muscles tighten around him as my orgasm came closer. It washed over me all of a sudden and my whole body tensed as I moaned his name. Almost fifteen minutes later he came with a shudder.

" Love you babe." he whispered into my ear

" Love you too." I whispered back

He finally let go of me and we both slid our clothes back on. He had a game later that night and still had to lie down for his own nap. I didn't want to break his routine anymore than we already had so I left him alone as I went to check on AJ and shower since I felt all sweaty and gross after our encouter in the laundry room. I peeked into the bedroom and grinned when I saw him already passed out on the bed. I thought about crawling into bed with him to take a nap but I didn't want to disturb him since I had already thrown off his game day routine off and I didn't want to deal with him cranky if he didn't play well. I went downstairs and tried to finish the laundry that I had started before he came home. I kept myself busy and then started an early dinner which was the normal hockey players diet of pasta chicken and broccoli. I heated up a bottle and went to wake my boys up. I gave AJ his bottle and Patrick came down and quickly ate and then went to get ready since the game was a little earlier than normal. I was debating on whether or not I was going to go and the fact that AJ was in a good mood made me decide to go. I got us both ready and we left with Patrick even though it would be kind of early since I wanted to see the guys for a few minutes before they started to get ready. I went around the room so that the guys could say hello to the baby. I smiled as he giggled and played with a puck that seabs had given him. The last person that I saw before Patrick was Burs and when we walked up to him he was flexing his leg with a slight grimace of pain on his face. It was the same leg that he had to have surgery on not once but twice in the past and I was concerned.

" Is your knee bothering you again?" I asked as I sat down on the bench next to him

" A little. I think that I tweaked it a little at practice this morning." he admitted as he put his foot back on the ground

" You know that you have to be careful. It would be really easy to reinjure it since you've had surgery on it once already." I admonished

" Yes mother I know and if it gets any worse I'll get it checked out okay?" he said with a grin

" You better or I'll kick your ass." I said as I got up and kissed his cheek and went to Patrick so AJ could see him and I could wish him luck before we went to our seats. I met Anna and Karri at our usual spot and we all went down to our seats. The game started and we cheered as the guys started play against a really hot Avalanche team. It was almost the end of the first period when I saw Adam come onto the ice with his linemates. I held my breath as they got control of the puck and brought it up the ice. Adam was forced to the outside and he went to pass the puck. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone come flying in and Adam fell to the ice as whoever it was checked him into the boards. It was like I was watching what was going on in slow motion as he fell, clutching at the knee that he had been complaining about only a little while before. I gave the baby to Anna who took him without a word. I grabbed Karri's hand and we pretty much ran in the direction of the lockerrooms. I knew that it would take a few minutes to get him up and off of the ice but I wanted to be there when they brought him in. I wouldn't be alright until I made sure that my best friend was okay.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Not A Post But Need Advice Please

So here's the deal and please comment cause I really would like some feedback. I've said it in a previous post but I really want to say it again. It is beyond amazing to me that there are people out there that actually not only read but enjoy what I have to write. To say that I was shocked when I saw that I had my first follower, not to mention my first comment, would be the understatement of the century. I also know that I follow blogs for several of you and know how talented you ladies are and that makes it even more special to me that you would take the time out of your lives to read what I have written. So I want to say thank you for all of the support and comments. This story has at times served as a kind of distraction for me when my real life has been falling apart and this is my question. When you guys did your stories when did you know that it was time to end them? I kind of feel like I am holding on to this like my first high school boyfriend. It was great at first but then it kind of got sucky but you stuck with them because they were your first and even if you know it wasn't the greatest you are comfortable with them. I'm not really sure if that makes any sense or not but hopefully it does. It might also be because I'm having a little bit of writers block so I really don't know what to do. I'd really hate to write some lame-ass ending and in a few weeks think of something. Ugg I'm so confused right now. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. If you don't want to post a comment I can be emailed at